i’ve talked about this before, but i never really talked about it. like, really sat down and laid everything out. so here i am, making this post, trying to put into words what it’s like living in my brain when it just won’t shut up.

i overthink everything. stupid little things. things that don’t even matter. things that should be fine. like, if someone takes too long to text me back, my brain jumps to “they hate me,” even if i know they’re probably just busy. or if i say something weird in a conversation, i’ll replay it over and over in my head, thinking how werid i am for days, even though the other person probably forgot about it two seconds later.

but the worst part is how much i overthink my relationship. me and madness have been together for a while now, and he’s literally the best thing that’s ever happened to me. he’s patient, sweet, reassures me constantly—but my brain still finds ways to ruin perfectly good moments. like, sometimes i’ll catch myself thinking, what if he’s just saying all these nice things because he feels like he has to? what if one day he realizes i’m too much and leaves? and every time, he looks me in the eyes and says, “jackie, i’m not going anywhere. not today, not tomorrow, not ever.” and i want to believe it. i really do.

and don’t even get me started on how i feel about myself. i’ve struggled with my weight for a while. some days i feel okay, other days i hate how i look. but madness? he loves me exactly as i am. he tells me all the time, says he loves hugging me, that he loves how soft i am, how perfect i am to him. and i believe him when he says it—i do—but there’s still this nagging voice in my head that won’t let me just be happy with myself. like, why can’t i just take the love he’s giving me and accept it? why do i have to make it complicated?

i’m tired of it. i’m tired of feeling like i have to apologize for existing. i’m tired of letting my own thoughts ruin things that should be good. so i’m trying. i really am. trying to breathe. trying to just let things be. trying to trust that madness means it when he says he’s here for me.

he told me the other day, “i’ll be right by your side every moment of the way.” and i don’t know how to put into words how much that means to me.

i just know that i’m lucky. and for once, i want to let myself feel that.

you know that feeling when you replay a conversation in your head a million times analyzing every single word you said wondering if you sounded stupid or if you made the other person mad? yeah, that's me like all the time. it's like i'm constantly trying to predict every possible outcome for no reason, and it's exhausting.

i know overthinking doesnt really help, and it's not like it solves anything, but it's hard to stop. it's like my brain is wired to overcomplicate things. sometimes, i wish i could just flip a switch and turn off all the noise in my head and relax for ONCE.

maybe thats just me though???

so, i’ve been trying really hard to keep a good schedule like, you know, wake up early, eat, spend time with my bf, get some workout in, maybe have time for other stuff, and still hang out with friends but omg, it's been so hard to keep up with it. like i’ll start off strong, and by midweek, it’s like everything just falls apart like how??? i keep telling myself “okay, tomorrow i’ll get back on track,” but then tomorrow comes and i’m just as overwhelmed!!!

i thought maybe if i write everything down in a planner, it would help so i did that like i had this whole cute color-coded system going but yet i still fucked up my whole day! like i’ll get a text from a friend and suddenly im off getting coffee or i’ll wake up a little later than i planned, and then more and more stuff adds up smth and now i just feel fucking STRESSED!!!

maybe i’ll never have the perfect schedule, but i’m learning to be okay with that i’m just taking it one day at a time and doing the best i can. and hey, having my boyfriend by my side makes it all a little easier, even when i’m struggling.

dfell asleep in my bfs car wqhile in a roadtrip wherer tf am i