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overthinking SUCKS.

i’ve talked about this before but i never really talked about it. like really sat down and laid everything out. so here i am making this stupid little private post (that nobody even knows about...) trying to put into words what my brain wants me to think about when it just won’t shut up.

i overthink everything... like stupid little things. things that don’t even matter. things that should be fine. like if a friend takes too long to text me back, my brain jumps to “they hate me,” even if i know they’re probably just busy. or if i say something weird in a conversation, i’ll replay it over and over in my head, thinking how werid i am for days, even though the other person probably forgot about it two seconds later.

but the worst part is how much i overthink my relationship. me and madness have been together for a while now, and he’s literally the best thing that’s ever happened to me. he’s patient, sweet, reassures me constantly—but my brain still finds ways to ruin perfectly good moments. like, sometimes i’ll catch myself thinking, what if he’s just saying all these nice things because he feels like he has to? what if one day he realizes i’m too much and leaves? and every time, he looks me in the eyes and says, “jackie, i’m not going anywhere. not today, not tomorrow, not ever.” and i want to believe it. i really do.

and don’t even get me started on how i feel about myself. i’ve struggled with my weight for a while. some days i feel okay, other days i hate how i look. but madness? he loves me exactly as i am. he tells me all the time, says he loves hugging me, that he loves how soft i am, how perfect i am to him. and i believe him when he says it—i do—but there’s still this nagging voice in my head that won’t let me just be happy with myself. like, why can’t i just take the love he’s giving me and accept it? why do i have to make it complicated?

i’m tired of it. i’m tired of feeling like i have to apologize for existing. i’m tired of letting my own thoughts ruin things that should be good. so i’m trying. i really am. trying to breathe. trying to just let things be. trying to trust that madness means it when he says he’s here for me.

he told me the other day, “i’ll be right by your side every moment of the way.” and i don’t know how to put into words how much that means to me.

i just know that i’m lucky. and for once, i want to let myself feel that.

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just me?

you know that feeling when you replay a conversation in your head a million times analyzing every single word you said wondering if you sounded stupid or if you made the other person mad? yeah, that's me like all the time. it's like i'm constantly trying to predict every possible outcome for no reason, and it's exhausting.

i know overthinking doesnt really help, and it's not like it solves anything, but it's hard to stop. it's like my brain is wired to overcomplicate things. sometimes, i wish i could just flip a switch and turn off all the noise in my head and relax for ONCE.

maybe thats just me though???

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overwhelmed-ish

so, i’ve been trying really hard to keep a good schedule like, you know, wake up early, eat, spend time with my bf, get some workout in, maybe have time for other stuff, and still hang out with friends but omg, it's been so hard to keep up with it. like i’ll start off strong, and by midweek, it’s like everything just falls apart like how??? i keep telling myself “okay, tomorrow i’ll get back on track,” but then tomorrow comes and i’m just as overwhelmed!!!

i thought maybe if i write everything down in a planner, it would help so i did that like i had this whole cute color-coded system going but yet i still fucked up my whole day! l>ike i’ll get a text from a friend and suddenly im off getting coffee or i’ll wake up a little later than i planned, and then more and more stuff adds up smth and now i just feel fucking STRESSED!!!

maybe i’ll never have the perfect schedule, but i’m learning to be okay with that i’m just taking it one day at a time and doing the best i can. and hey, having my boyfriend by my side makes it all a little easier, even when i’m struggling.

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1

dfell asleep in my bfs car wqhile in a roadtrip wherer tf am i

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my boyfriend ????????

HAHAHAHAHAHA WHAT

sorry okay trying again

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what are we then?

its weird because technically nothing huge has changed since the kiss but also EVERYTHING has

we spend even more time together now he walks me back to my dorm almost every night if our schedules line up we sit too close together on purpose now instead of pretending it “just happens.” he kisses my forehead sometimes when i’m tired and every single time it completely destroys me emotionally and yet neither of us have actually used any labels yet.

which is funny because literally everyone around us already assumes we’re together one of his friends referred to me as “madness’ girl” the other day and i almost dropped the drink i was holding.

oh yeah. his name is madness btw. i realized i’ve been talking about him for MONTHS without ever actually saying it.

before anyone asks: yes that is his real name. no i’m not explaining it because honestly i still dont fully understand it either.

anyway.

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i almost told him today.

we were sitting on the steps near campus and he was talking about this dumb movie he loves, and he got so happy about it that i couldn’t stop looking at him. like really looking at him. the way his eyebrows move when he’s excited. the way he pauses to make sure i’m still following. there was this moment where it got quiet. not awkward quiet. just… soft. and he looked at me like he was about to say something too... and i panicked.

i made some joke instead. deflected. like i always do. he laughed, but i could tell something shifted. not bad. just unfinished.

i don’t know what i’m so afraid of. rejection? maybe. but i think it’s more that if i say it out loud, it becomes real. and if it’s real, it can break.

i’m tired of things breaking.

but i’m also tired of pretending i don’t feel anything.

i don’t know what i’m going to do yet. all i know is that when my phone lights up with his name, my heart still does that stupid little jump. and maybe that means something.

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OK THEN???

so um.

i think i might actually have feelings for him.

which is weird I KNOW but it’s TRUE

i dont even know when it happened exactly somewhere between the train rides, the late night texts, and him making me laugh when i’m trying really hard to stay miserable i guess

and now i’m scared

because what if i ruin this? what if i tell him and suddenly everything gets weird between us? what if he’s only being nice because he sees me as a friend while i’m over here acting like a loser with a crush?

and honestly i still dont even know if i’m ready for any of this. after my last relationship, the idea of trusting someone again feels kinda impossible sometimes.

but then he smiles at me or remembers some tiny detail i mentioned once and suddenly my brain completely stops working

i keep thinking about saying something. i WANT to say something.

but every possible outcome keeps replaying in my head and somehow they all end with me embarrassing myself

ughhhhhhhhh

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i dunnoo

it's been a rough couple of months, with school n all. i haven't been in contact with my family in a little while, the whole thing with my ex still scares me, and my best friend... well you already know.

i'm writing this down because i met someone on the train today! it's been a while since i've actually talked to anyone, and this guy just... seemed so nice to me, he really didnt have to be but he was.

we also happened to be getting off at the same stop, so i walked with him to his class and continued talking to him.

i got his number (in a totally normal way) but i'm a little afraid that i might screw something up. i mean, it's not like i like him. it's just that i feel weird talking to another person after what seems like months.

i might be overthinking this. he's just a nice guy.

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god damn GODAMN IT

i didnt really plan on writing about this tonight but i cant sleep and my head keeps looping it over and over so i guess this is happening lol

we got invited to this party off campus, some guy i barely know from one of my gen eds. i almost didnt go but like ive kinda been saying yes to everything lately just so i dont have to sit alone with my thoughts. parties are easier anyways, loud music, people yelling, cheap drinks, u dont have to think about anything real yknow? i've talked about this aswell

sasha came with me. she usually does because i tell her to shes like the only person i actually feel normal around most of the time

but i noticed something about her that night

it wasnt like super obvious at first just little things. she wasnt really talking to other ppl kept sticking close to me like closer than usual. she laughed at stuff that wasnt even funny and then went quiet right after. i asked her if she was okay n stuff she just said “yeah yeah im good” but it didnt sound like her

i figured maybe she just wasnt feeling the party or something it happens so i didnt push it

i ended up doing what i always do drinking more than i should, bouncing between random conversations i wont remember tomorrow, pretending im having the best time ever. its kinda like putting on a mask that only works when ur a little buzzed

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-----

i got out of the relationship. i dont know how i dont know what even happened it just happened so fast. my brother just... happened to be at the right place at the right time...

i feel so sick.

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what do i even do

i'm in a bad relationship, like a REAL bad relationship and i've been seeking so many ways to get out of it... but i don't have the guts to act on to any of them. he just scares me... he always looks like he's mad at me for some reason, and if my goal is to break up with him... i don't know what he'll do about it... or what'll he do to me.

but... time will tell.

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private posts?

didn't know private posts were a thing, guess this is a nice place to keep my notes and stuff. it's not like anyones going to see it anyway.