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overthinking SUCKS.

i’ve talked about this before but i never really talked about it. like really sat down and laid everything out. so here i am making this stupid little private post (that nobody even knows about...) trying to put into words what my brain wants me to think about when it just won’t shut up.

i overthink everything... like stupid little things. things that don’t even matter. things that should be fine. like if a friend takes too long to text me back, my brain jumps to “they hate me,” even if i know they’re probably just busy. or if i say something weird in a conversation, i’ll replay it over and over in my head, thinking how werid i am for days, even though the other person probably forgot about it two seconds later.

but the worst part is how much i overthink my relationship. me and madness have been together for a while now, and he’s literally the best thing that’s ever happened to me. he’s patient, sweet, reassures me constantly—but my brain still finds ways to ruin perfectly good moments. like, sometimes i’ll catch myself thinking, what if he’s just saying all these nice things because he feels like he has to? what if one day he realizes i’m too much and leaves? and every time, he looks me in the eyes and says, “jackie, i’m not going anywhere. not today, not tomorrow, not ever.” and i want to believe it. i really do.

and don’t even get me started on how i feel about myself. i’ve struggled with my weight for a while. some days i feel okay, other days i hate how i look. but madness? he loves me exactly as i am. he tells me all the time, says he loves hugging me, that he loves how soft i am, how perfect i am to him. and i believe him when he says it—i do—but there’s still this nagging voice in my head that won’t let me just be happy with myself. like, why can’t i just take the love he’s giving me and accept it? why do i have to make it complicated?

i’m tired of it. i’m tired of feeling like i have to apologize for existing. i’m tired of letting my own thoughts ruin things that should be good. so i’m trying. i really am. trying to breathe. trying to just let things be. trying to trust that madness means it when he says he’s here for me.

he told me the other day, “i’ll be right by your side every moment of the way.” and i don’t know how to put into words how much that means to me.

i just know that i’m lucky. and for once, i want to let myself feel that.

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just me?

you know that feeling when you replay a conversation in your head a million times analyzing every single word you said wondering if you sounded stupid or if you made the other person mad? yeah, that's me like all the time. it's like i'm constantly trying to predict every possible outcome for no reason, and it's exhausting.

i know overthinking doesnt really help, and it's not like it solves anything, but it's hard to stop. it's like my brain is wired to overcomplicate things. sometimes, i wish i could just flip a switch and turn off all the noise in my head and relax for ONCE.

maybe thats just me though???

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overwhelmed-ish

so, i’ve been trying really hard to keep a good schedule like, you know, wake up early, eat, spend time with my bf, get some workout in, maybe have time for other stuff, and still hang out with friends but omg, it's been so hard to keep up with it. like i’ll start off strong, and by midweek, it’s like everything just falls apart like how??? i keep telling myself “okay, tomorrow i’ll get back on track,” but then tomorrow comes and i’m just as overwhelmed!!!

i thought maybe if i write everything down in a planner, it would help so i did that like i had this whole cute color-coded system going but yet i still fucked up my whole day! l>ike i’ll get a text from a friend and suddenly im off getting coffee or i’ll wake up a little later than i planned, and then more and more stuff adds up smth and now i just feel fucking STRESSED!!!

maybe i’ll never have the perfect schedule, but i’m learning to be okay with that i’m just taking it one day at a time and doing the best i can. and hey, having my boyfriend by my side makes it all a little easier, even when i’m struggling.

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1

dfell asleep in my bfs car wqhile in a roadtrip wherer tf am i

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OK THEN???

i might be crazy, but i might be devloping feelings for this guy. i don't how when i got them, but they're real! i'm still scared about fucking up our friendship though. what if he doesn't love me back? what if he already has his eyes on someone else? and... i feel like i need more time to get back into the dating scene... but he just makes me feel... happy.

i feel like saying something. i HAVE to say something, but honestly i can't stop thinking about what would even happen between us.

ughhhhhhhhHHHHHJBUGBEWHUGUGI

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i dunnoo

it's been a rough couple of months, with school n all. i haven't been in contact with my family in a little while, my ex, and my best friend... well you already know.

i'm writing this down because i met someone on the train today! it's been a while since i've actually talked to anyone, and this guy just... seemed so nice to me, he really didnt have to be but he was.

we also happened to be getting off at the same stop, so i walked with him to his class and continued talking to him.

i got his number (in a totally normal way) but i'm a little afraid that i might screw something up. i mean, it's not like i like him. it's just that i feel weird talking to another person after what seems like months.

i might be overthinking this. he's just a nice guy.

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i've fucked up.

i've fucked up. i've fucked up so hard

i don’t even know how to start this without feeling like i swallowed a brick.

last night was supposed to just be a normal party. loud music, sticky floors, cheap drinks in red cups, the whole cliché. me and sasha got invited by one of her friends from work, and i almost didn’t go because i’ve been trying to stay lowkey lately. but she convinced me. she always convinces me. from the second we got there, though, something felt… off.

sasha is usually the loudest person in the room. she talks to everyone, laughs too hard, drags me into conversations i don’t want to be in. but last night she kept hovering around me. like, literally hovering. if i went to grab a drink, she followed. if i went to sit on the couch, she sat so close our legs were touching. and she kept looking at me when she thought i wasn’t paying attention.

she’s always been kind of flirty with me. little comments, lingering hugs, calling me “pretty girl” in that half-joking way. but she’s never actually said she’s into girls. never came out to me or anything. so i just… ignored it. i didn’t want to assume. i didn’t want to be rude. i figured that’s just how she is... but last night it felt heavier.

she barely talked to anyone else. at one point someone asked her if she was okay and she just laughed and said she was “thinking.” thinking about what though? every time i asked if she was good she’d just smile in this tight way that didn’t reach her eyes.

we left around midnight because sasha said the music was giving her a headache. we walked to the bus stop down the street and it was freezing. the kind of cold that makes everything feel sharper. brighter. quieter. and that’s when it got weird.

we were sitting on the bench and sasha just… zoned out. like completely. staring at the streetlights like she was watching something i couldn’t see. i was talking to her about the party before i noticed. i said her name once. nothing. twice. still nothing. i had to say it a few times before she blinked and looked at me like she forgot where she was. but even after apologizing, she wasn’t really looking at me.

then she started fidgeting. pulling at the strings of her hoodie. tapping her foot. she asked me this random question about my past love life. i literally just stared at her. “what does that even mean?” she kind of laughed but it sounded shaky. and i felt this pit in my stomach like i knew what was coming but i didn’t want to admit it. i asked her if she had something she wanted to tell me. there was this long pause. cars passing. wind. my heart beating way too loud.

and then she said it.

she told me she’s had feelings for me for a while. that it’s been eating at her. that she tried to push it down because she didn’t want to ruin our friendship but it just kept getting worse. she said watching me date other people made her feel sick. she said she didn’t expect anything from me, she just couldn’t pretend anymore.

i didn’t say anything at first. i think i just froze.

because here’s the thing: i kind of always knew. or at least suspected. but hearing it out loud felt completely different. real. heavy. and instead of choosing my words carefully, instead of being gentle, i just said, “i don’t feel the same way.”

that was it. no reassurance. no explanation. just that. her face changed so fast. like all the blood drained out of it. she nodded once, really quick, and mumbled “yeah, i figured.” and then before i could even process it she stood up and walked away. she didn’t wait for the bus. she didn’t look back. she just walked down the street.

and i just sat there.

i keep replaying it in my head. i could’ve handled it so differently. i could’ve at least told her how much she matters to me. that she’s my best friend. that i’m not disgusted or weirded out or anything like that. because i’m not. i’m just… not in love with her.

but i sounded cold. blunt. almost annoyed. and she didn’t deserve that.

and if i’m being honest, part of why i reacted like that is because i’m scared. i barely got out of my last relationship with that guy and it wrecked me more than i let anyone see. i haven’t even processed all of that yet. the way he made me feel small. the way i stayed longer than i should have. the way i still flinch when—

...

i don’t kwno.

i dn'ot k now how to fi inish thiis.

i dontt know hwo to ffix t his.

i just know that i might’ve hurt the one person who’s always been there for me, and i don’t know if i can take that back.

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-----

i got out of the relationship. i dont know how i dont know what even happened it just happened so fast. my brother just... happened to be at the right place at the right time...

i feel so sick.

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what do i even do

i'm in a bad relationship, like a REAL bad relationship and i've been seeking so many ways to get out of it... but i don't have the guts to act on to any of them. he just scares me... he always looks like he's mad at me for some reason, and if my goal is to break up with him... i don't know what he'll do about it... or what'll he do to me.

but... time will tell.

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private posts?

didn't know private posts were a thing, guess this is a nice place to keep my notes and stuff. it's not like anyones going to see it anyway.